Alaska and the Nature Hike
I awoke this morning, startled by a call. It was 5:00 in the
afternoon for God sakes, and I was just getting comfy watching
some tube. I answered the phone, startled by the voice at the
other end. "Hello?" I said.
"Hey Bohab, it's your English teacher Alaska," the
low-pitched voiced announced into my ear.
"Um, oh hi, how are you?"
"Pretty good," the voice replied.
"And how's your bald spot and your pet chicken?"
"Oh they're doing pretty good, I had to choke the chicken
last night, he screwed up my taxes as usual. I dunno why I keep
letting my chicken do my W-40 form."
"Yeah, so anyway, what's up?" I asked, eagerly
wondering what idiotic fun Alaska had in mind.
"Oh nothing much, just wondering if you wanted to go on a
nature hike with me."
"A nature hike? Can we eat stuff we find on the
ground?" I asked with all the curiosity of a schoolgirl with
a new training bra.
"Sure we can, why else would we go?"
"Great! What kind of nature hike is it?"
"Awww, just one to go check out some squirrels and
nuts."
"Cool, lemme get naked and I'll be right there." I said
with enthusiasm.
With a swoosh I jumped into my
toilet and pushed the handle. With a flush
I was on my way through the sewer system over to Alaska's house.
Within minutes (I finally installed that hyper-space-crapper
time-elimination-add-on to my plumbing) I arrived in Alaska's
toilet. He was quite surprised, obviously not knowing of my
secret infatuation with his waste.
"Tada!" I shouted as I squeezed out of his toilet like
a pickle out of a narrow jar.
"You ready to go?" Alaska asked.
"Yes my friend, I am one with nature." I said, brushing
some dead rats I hit in hyperspace off of my body.
We got in Alaska's jalopy (it's a Geo Metro to be precise) and
headed on down to the local animal sanctuary. "In this car,
I'm a virtual babe magnet of sporkdom," Alaska said with a
devilish grin on his face.
"Hey Alaska, you going to start your car, yet?" Alaska
ignored me as usual, waiting for just the right moment to open my
door and push me out of the car while we were going a nice 75
mph. I guess with his better judgement, he had figured a better
way to assassinate me later on in the day.
I was armed to the teeth with a shotgun and rocket launcher, but Alaska, being the wimp he is, only took an axe. Sheesh, what a weenie. At the gate a sign said, "No weapons allowed." This was obviously a violation of my constitutional rights to carry firearms and weapons of mass destruction into government facilities, so I quickly came up with a plan.
"Alaska, we won't have any fun without hurting animals on
our hike, right?"
"Right"
"I got an idea. Here, shove these rockets in your back
pants. Oh, and shove this rocket launcher in your underwear. Hey,
be careful, what are you some kind of masochist? Wait a minute,
if you move the rocket launcher a little to the left, I can
squeeze my shotgun in there. Hey, here's a good idea. If I can
squeeze in your shirt, we only have to pay for one person since
I'll be well concealed."
I can tell Alaska liked my plan with his encouraging groans of pain. I tried to crawl in his shirt, but the darn thing just couldn't hold me correctly. That's when a better plan sank into my dense head. "Hey Alaska, here take this bra and put it on. I'll hide in it, just walk real slowly and I don't think we'll get hurt." Alaska complied and before you know it, an hour later, we were at the front gate.
"Hello," Alaska said to the ticket man at the front
gate. "One please."
"Hey! You aren't trying to sneak any circus midgets in this
place via your bra are you ma'am?"
I curled up to an even tighter ball after hearing this. I started
shaking, afraid that Alaska would get caught. He did look kind of
odd though. Actually, with the rockets in his back pants it kinda
looked like he took a crap in em. And then with the rocket
launcher and shotgun in his front-side... well I'll leave that up
to your imagination. Oh and then the huge oversized bra. Well to
say the least he looked like a freak of nature. Even weirder the
Richard Simmons!
"No sir, I hate circus midgets, in fact, back in 'Nam I
killed at least 150 of em. Poor suckers."
"Okay then, it'll be 50 cents to get in." Alaska handed
over the two quarters.
Then I whispered, "See, I saved you two quarters. No no. No
need to thank me now, you can do that when I get out of your
bra," into his nipple. After we were a good 5 feet from the
gate I figured it was safe to get out. I hopped out of his bra
and gathered my belongings. I spotted a dead, endangered squirrel
species on the ground and quickly began munching on it. We
wandered around the animal sanctum for days, but eventually found
were a group was being lead on a guided tour. The forest ranger
began the tour, stopping at a tree to admire a species. A rare
species of tree squirrel.
"Now, if you look to your left..." Immediately
Alaska and I turned with amazing speed and began firing. I missed
with my first two rockets, but Alaska jumped with the agility of
Spiderman onto the tree and hacked the squirrel to pieces.
"Okay," the ranger remarked. "Who did that?"
Alaska and I hid our weapons of destruction and looked around
curiously as to who could have caused such a tragedy.
"I'm not sure, but whoever did, I'm gonna kill with this
here rocket launcher," I boasted, quickly battering away the
smoke from my smoking rocket launcher barrel.
"Yeah," Alaska replied "it's so horrible that
innocent tree squirrels get pummeled by axes wielded by psycho's
like myself." Alaska said, cleaning the squirrels head
off his axe.
"Okay, but if I ever find out who did that, the person or
persons responsible are going to be in real big trouble,"
the ranger said, eyeing everyone suspiciously. The group
proceeded on, with the ranger as our
point-man, and Alaska and I taking the flank, no squirrel mob was
gonna get the drop on us. I scanned the forest line.
"Enemy sighted bearing 2-4-5-2-3 heading 180 degree's to
the north." I quietly whispered to Alaska. I fired a good 10
missiles, while Alaska ran straight toward the squirrel. But this
time I was going to be the one to score, as I let off another 5
missiles, showering the area with shrapnel and explosions. Alaska
tried to dodge the missiles, but lost an arm or something.
"Ow, you idiot, you hit me." Alaska growled.
"Oh yeah, stop whining you baby. What would Corporal
Punishment think? All those weeks in his death camp, I mean boot
camp; he'd be ashamed of your lack of dodging."
Besides," I remarked "the squirrel is toast, and isn't
that the important part?"
"Yeah, I guess" Alaska replied with guilt. That's when
we noticed the park ranger and his group staring at us with
anger.
"Um, Alaska."
"Yeah?"
"I think they're angry we're killing all the wildlife."
"Those selfish commies, let's teach em a lesson."
"Yeah, we'll show em a thing or three." With that, I
stuck 15 of my rockets in Alaska's BVD's, and threw him at the
crowd. "Eat this you bunch of sick twisted squirrel loving
psychos!" I said with the anger of the Pillsbury doughboy
when he found out he was made of clay. I shot off a rocket and
Alaska, I must say, was quite a good explosive. Showering the
innocent nature watchers with shrapnel and guts galore. Most of
them died, but some of them lived. I could see they were in
agony.
I grabbed the nearest beaver, and angered it by poking it with
sharp objects. With the beaver angry, and pointed it at each
persons neck, quickly decapitating their heads and sparing them
of suffering a slow death by rabid squirrels. I felt good that
day as I flew off the scene still butt-naked.
But I'll never forget Alaska, and all those cops following me, and firing their guns trying to kill me. I still hold a soft spot for that bald-spotted ape. By God, I cry every once in a while when I see a tree squirrel, but then I remember as I launch a rocket at it, that Alaska would have liked it that way.